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18 November 2012
Petraeus and the Woman Broadwell to be Stoned on the White House Lawn
Uproar over Stone Auction: first Stone bid reaches $1 million
(A Humorless, gonzo parody.)
The Nine Wise Elders convened for tea to discuss the fates of the woman Paula Broadwell and General (ret.) David Petraeus. In accordance with Old Law, both parties to adultery have been sentenced to Death by Stoning.
Mercy was granted to the man, who shall be Stoned first, using the Quick Stoning provision. The evil woman shall be condemned to a Special Stoning, unless she is determined to be a Witch or a Temptress.
The verdict by the Nine Wise Elders (NWE) was unanimous. Since only the NWE are permitted to see the evidence and to read the laws, sentencing guidelines remain mysterious but are trusted by the populace.
The man normally receives a Quick Stoning, while the woman (if neither Witch nor Temptress) receives a Special Stoning in nearly all cases other than rape.
The merciful NWE sometimes mete out Quick Stonings to women in cases of rape, or in cases of adultery when the woman is under the age of seven. Rape in all cases is tantamount to adultery for married women. Unmarried women under the age of ten may avoid Stoning by marrying the man, if he chooses to marry her.
In cases where the man can provide evidence that the woman is a Temptress or a Witch, he may avoid Stoning, but his tainted body will be hanged or banished.
Upon accusation, General Petraeus refused to accuse the woman Broadwell of Bewitching or Tempting him. This is inexplicable. He may lawfully hang guilt upon the woman. Few men accept unconditional responsibility for their actions. Fewer still when the sentence is death, and none when a woman is clearly at fault.
The NWE suspect that Petraeus is under a spell of Witchcraft, though Petraeus denies that Broadwell is a Witch. This hallucination defies reason for it is universally known that only a woman’s Sorcery or Temptation can defile a pure man. It would seem that Petraeus is admitting to impurity.
The Quick Stoning of Petraeus is to begin at sunrise on the White House lawn. The event will begin the moment that the first rays of direct sunlight can be seen from the torch of the Statue of Liberty in New York.
A team of Court Spotters has been dispatched to the torch, and when they see the first rays of direct sunlight, they will use a signal mirror to reflect those rays to a Navy ship below, manned by a trusted and obedient Captain, who will radio the Elders inside the White House.
The Stoning shall begin thusly, still in darkness in Washington. Local darkness was chosen in deference to the General's four decades of service to God and to country. This also provides his soul an entire day to flee before the woman’s soul, if she has one, is released to find him and to haunt him in the lonely forest of screams.
The sun’s rays are likely to hit the Torch of Liberty at about 0626 EST. Stonings sometimes are delayed by hours or even by days due to fog or clouds blocking direct purifying sunlight. The recent Devil’s work of Hurricane Sandy—aptly given a woman’s name—delayed several Stonings and Crucifixions, leading to a backlog that took one week to clear.
Petraeus shall not be bound with ropes for the event. He has requested to take his Stoning standing up, and without a blindfold. Such a request has never fallen upon the ears of the Nine Wise Elders.
In deference to the sentiments of the people, the Elders have granted Petraeus’s wish to remain unbound for execution. Likewise, his wish to dispense with the blindfold is granted with stipulation: Petraeus has agreed to remain still at attention for the Stoning, and to refrain from engaging in counterattack, no matter the mockery or depth of sting to his person.
His sort is disposed to fight unto death. And so despite Petraeus’s assurances that he will not fight, it is not without misgivings or dissent that the NWE grant his request. This decision was taken 5 to 4.
It is not certain that Petraeus can resist his natural inclination to combat, and despite his seniority, Petraeus remains a fit and dangerous man who attracted a young woman. If he injures one of the Stoners, the people may riot and stampede about the Mall, as is their nature. The only things that the mobs love more than Petraeus are a good execution followed by rioting and debauchery. We should have to crush Stone Mountain to create enough medicine to set this land onto the path of righteousness.
Bill Clinton shall be the first tosser, and he shall toss the first Stone. Clinton shall toss only once, though he is an accomplished and experienced tosser. As a young Stoner, Clinton later presided over many events. After tossing, Clinton shall act as referee. No women shall be tossers, nor shall they be present during the tossing, nor shall they handle the Stones to be tossed.
One thousand Stones shall be licensed by auction. The license is for a single toss. Men under the age of ten may use a slingshot and clear marbles (not cat-eyes which are reserved for women). Men ten years old and younger must use the slingshots provided, and none other. Men over eighty may use slingshots.
A Stone may be tossed once, and shall rest where it falls. No refunds or discounts shall be issued for misses. Only US Citizens are permitted to toss.