A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
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07 November 2012
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
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Comments
You need to loosen up and get some happy-pills into you, that or change your therapist.
Secondly, Mr Repunzel, One thing the restoration of the Realm will require is *manners. There are ways of addressing yourself to a lady Mr Repunzel that are simply not done.
I pronounce you banished to North Dakota.
Deirdre, if you wish to partake in classes on how to curtsy, please write to my via Sir Michael Yon (oh, that let the cat out of the bag! Awf with my head!)
Disappointed we are, yet still all is not lost, I, for my part, will look to my God. We can buckle down and get to work, and do a thing or two, and by His grace our congress is not made all of bozos. (this time)
Thanks Michael! PERFECT humour! lol I can see why it was attributed to Cleese. Sounds very much like him eh? Veddy good! and "Nevah Give up!" Nevah!
All this make the mitten and the Repug party the accomplices of that illegal alien in the White House Barack HUSSEIN Obama!
BWAHAHAHAH
So what, Obama is black, and I bet that kinda stings in a majority of you guys eyes, he might not run the politics you want. But to go as far as to start bitching and moaning about living in a dictatorship and what not. Are you guys serious? How about you guys go live in North Korea, or maybe Cuba, or perhaps even China before you start bitching and moaning about how terrible it is in the USA. I betcha tons of people in those above mentioned countries, not to mention Iraq and Afghanistan, Belarus and a score of other nations would gladly trade their life for yours any day.
Take a moment and grow up please, all this Obamacrying is getting so tiresome by now.
The color or Obama's skin has nothing to do with it. It is his policies and ideology that are the problem. He has spoken very plainly that he wants to change America from within.
Your argument about the people in other countries sounds like my mother when I was a child and wouldn't eat my lima beans."children in other countries are starving" There is not much I can do about that.
And as far as "Obamacrying" The democrates are still crying about Bush. Tell me, when will it be Obama's fault?
BTW - Michael loved this post and all the others. Thank you for the job you do.
Does not matter what you say. It was the same crying from the democrat way when Bush was in power, and I found that equally childish. The very fact that there is a democrat president in office right now proved them wrong. Just like it will prove the doomsday-we-liv e-in-a-socialis t-state people wrong the next time there is a republican president elected, and believe me, that will happen too.
I never meant for you to do anything about the situation in either of the countries i mentioned. More like compare your own country to those countries, and ask yourself if USA is really the same as those countries?
Right now what I think USA needs is for people to stop bickering back and forth on who is more right than the other, and perhaps select the middle way and go forward working together to make a better nation.
No one side has the final and best sollution to USA's needs. Its a too vast country with too many different ideas and people in it. The only way to really get the nation going again is to co-operate and whatever levels one feels one connect. I doubt that democrats and republicans disagree on just about everything, there is common ground between the two, and thats where the work needs to start.
However, it's not racist for all blacks, oh, excuse me "African Americans" to vote for Obummer because he's, uh, well, sort of African American, Half-white? Half-black? Hawaiian, or whatever the media wants him to be at any given moment.
It is however racist for whiteys not to vote for him because he is, uh, whatever the media needs him to be fill in your story here.
Add to that wonderful quotes off this pages such as.
"All this make the mitten and the Repug party the accomplices of that illegal alien in the White House Barack HUSSEIN Obama"
"A pro Islamic terrorist Communist cretin who has surrounded himself with like minded communists and socialists! A half-white never gainfully employed jackanapes who, has done nothing to create a better world for us and our children, just more tax and spend rhetoric with promises of nothing but more taxes and more spending on entitlement programs that no one has a Constitutional right to in the first place!"
Just to quote a few, but im sure that has nothing to do with racism at all.
Then again granted, many of you do have valid points as well, but seem to lack to see that they get hijacked by people with perhaps less open minded attitudes, and I see very little of refuting comments like these on here, which I find kind of scary.
Despite the unprecedented use of the filibuster, and a Congress whose leadership vowed to make their number one objective over the subsequent 4 years, the goal of making Obama a one term president, we have come back from the brink......we came as close to a complete economic meltdown as we had at anytime since the Great Depression. Our entire automobile industry was on the verge of collapse. Personal bankruptcies due to medical expenses were at historic highs and government growth was spiraling out of control......al l of that has now changed in the positive....... and not because of the Right, but rather because of those that reject the Right.
No doubt Stephen Colbert was on to something when he said that "Reality has a well-known Liberal bias."
Blimey!
By the way, unemployment under Bush? Look it up. Any month of his Presidency beats any of Obamas. Didn't Cowbert tell you that? Well, HE is doing ok I guess.
Last Sunday you probably watched your favorite football team on TV. You may have sat with your jaw dropped at a call your team's coach made that you just knew would hurt your chances at success. You probably thought that what he did or said must surely be hurting the collective morale of his players. But you probably wouldn't consider removing him from the sideline in the middle of the game. And you probably still had respect for him as a leader and hope that he would lead his team to success. You wished success for him in the midst of decisions you disagreed with because his success meant the team's success.
God Bless the USA!
Amen brother! You honor the spirit by recognizing this hero.
I get tired of being called a racist because I disagree with Obama. I agree that both parties need to work together. I am afraid that the days of the role up your sleeves politician who know how to bargin are gone.
I trust all elected officials will remember the Oath you take, is to the United States of America and the Constitution. And not ALEC,Norquist or the Chamber of Commerce. YOU applied for a job, the voters are your BOSS, not Rush nor Fox News. Living breathing people,despite what the Supreme Court says about corporations.
Democrats, you hold office too and are just as responsible for the mess this country is in. You weren't given a majority because Americans, just don't trust any One party in complete control, that notion can lead to excess and chaos. You have been as much of an obstruction as the other guys.
Both parties can squabble in their sandbox all you want, but when its time to pick up your and toys and work together DO IT. Remember the rest of the country is always aware we can be outsourced, as can any other bunch of unproductive whiners as are both political parties. So grow up and start doing your JOB.
Subject: "Dear Red States...
Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving.
We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Citizen of the Enlightened States of America"
Rant away:
LOL! This letter is hilarious. I love how the ENTIRE letter spells out how much finer and kinder, and how many orders of magnitude more morally superior the "lefty" blue states are, and then, has the audacity to bash the "61% of the crazy bastards" for believing they have better morals than the left. Classic. Goodness gracious! Mr. Kettle, Mr. Kettle. The guy you're mad at, his name is Mr. Pot!
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